It had to be a puppet, some sort of remotely operated thing … Vaguely humanoid features regarded me. The details are blurred, but the eyes, the deep green of its eyes showed an intelligence, malign and corrupt as it might be, probably the better of mine. Whatever I saw, it wasn’t an animal. I’m certain it could think, it could reason. And then it … grinned at me, if you can call that hideous thing it did with its mouth a grin. It wasn’t until later that I felt the wetness down the front of my jeans and realised I’d pissed myself. Looking back it had to be that smile that caused me to let go, but at the time I didn’t know what I’d done. The thing took a chitinous step forwards. It tilted its head to one side as it examined me and I felt a tingle — the sort of sensation you get when you feel a sneeze coming on — but this was inside my head. I mean right in the middle of my brain. The vile, obscene bastard probed me somehow. I felt whatever power the beast possessed ripple through my. Pain in relationships can be perversely comfortable pain, in that is one we know. We’re used to it. I once heard a tape by Ram Dass, an American spiritual teacher, in which he told of seeing a newspaper article about an abused baby being taken away from his mother. As a police matron tried to take the baby, he kept struggling to remain in his mother’s arms. Although his mother was the one who beat him, she was the one he knew. He was used to her. He wanted to remain in familiar territory.This story illustrates our relationship to our own egos. The ego is our pain, but it is what we know, and we resist moving out of it. The effort it takes to grow out of painful patterns often feels more uncomfortable than remaining within them. Personal growth can be painful, because it can make us feel ashamed and humiliated to face our own darkness. But the goal of personal growth is the journey out of dark emotional patterns that cause us pain, to those that create peace. Psychotherapy: Purpose.
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